“Avoid playing the victim card. Your relationships will always mirror the person you are.“-theunspokentestimony
A topic of interest that I talk about a lot (which you’ll see especially on my Instagram, Facebook and Twitter) relates to toxic relationships and how to avoid them. Last week’s post I talked about re-grouping your inner circle. But to shift gears a bit, I want to focus on something deeper, the common denominator.
If you find that you are always (and yes, I mean always) attracting souls of incompleteness then you need to look at yourself to ask why that is.
Whenever there’s chaos, there’s always two complementing factors. It’s not villain versus victim. No, it’s a lot deeper.
The 5 W’s
In order to understand why you keep entering the same relationships (acquaintances, friends, romantic interests, etc.), lets walk down memory lane.
1. What unresolved issues remain from the beginning of your childhood?
2. Who do you still hold responsible for your pain?
3. When do you believe you start to withdraw?
4. Where do you feel least protected?
5. Why does this continue to affect the way you view other people?
You see, many of us still have baggage left from our past. You know those insecurities that you thought were left back at home and school growing up? It isn’t until you meet someone new and develop a relationship with them that you revisit that same state of hopelessness again. This person, who went from your comfort to your stress, soon reminds you of all the things you despise most. You see yourself going through a path that is uncomfortable yet familiar (whether in the form of abandonment, distrust, hurt, loneliness, rejection and/or unforgiveness) .
The Truth Is It’s You
Look at the world we live in, where hurt is glorified while healing remains taboo. It can be very easy to feel pity for yourself.
“They are the ones doing all the hurting, not me!” That’s what we tell ourselves.
When the first relationship fails, we dive into the second and the third and the fourth, hoping “this will be it“.
Instead of working on you, you spend your time trying to replace them. You make new friends, you date new people, you change your hobbies, you even start investing more into your wardrobe. All of this can be great but there’s still something missing. The problem is that none of this will truly solve that empty void (these are all resources not primary sources). As you continue trying to rebuild what is around you, instead of assessing the core issue at hand, you are planting your life on unsteady ground which is bound to collapse, yet again.
What I Learned
I remember when God was really trying to get me to see myself. He used the people around me to show what the root cause was. At the time, I just thought that it was just law of attraction. Somehow, I could become a better person just by saying positive words. But truly a person of disruption will never have a stable mind of peace (you can’t embody what you do not know). As long as I continued to hold unto the hurt of my past, I could never be used to advance in my present.
You see, it took Him sending people in my life to remind me daily to check my spirit. My problem was I kept trying to skip over the process of self-healing, and in it, I exposed my deepest wounds to those I was close with. Underneath the surface, I still carried around a guarded heart, a spiteful tongue and a restless mind (if it wasn’t overthinking, it was assumptions. And if it wasn’t assumptions, it was fear). And since my spirit wasn’t right, and the company I surrounded myself with wasn’t right, that was a sure disaster headed for destruction.
I know there are many of you who still walk around with a mask. Underneath that smile and (temporary) happiness, is a state of suffering and confusion. Hidden is someone who walks around unsure of who they are yet trying to give their all to someone else.
But really, how can you give love if you don’t know love?
The greatest self investment you can ever make is breaking free from the old person you once were.
Ephesians 4:22-23 reads “throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.”
The life we once knew has to be given up so we can be renewed. It’s not enough to just be saved, and suddenly believe His Work is finished when this is actually the beginning. Christ did not die and resurrect on that cross for an instant change. There is no automatic switch from sinner to saint, no such thing exists. It takes addressing the old to receive the new.
The following verse after (Ephesians 4:25) reads, “So stop telling lies, Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.”
So many of us hide behind this facade of perfection. Suddenly we become “holier than thou”, placing the blame on someone else. With pride comes an in denial perception which blocks progress. But again this is all the reason to need God, a Being who is perfectly stable and all knowing. We need to die to ourselves daily, and the only way to do this is to read His Word and receive correction.
Let go of the pride that convinces you the problem is never with you, but others…that is a lie.
Stop giving a pass to dysfunction and learn to love the body of Christ and your enemies. Call unto God, and ask Him instead “how can I do better. “What does this situation say about me, not the other person?” Learn how to be a problem solver, not problem maker. Use what you’ve been taught in “x” situation, and apply it for “z” so that you create and maintain sustainability and personal growth.